Wednesday, March 16, 2011

feeling alone

funny thing.  i just realized that today is the beginning of the second week of lent.  and, on the first week of lent i was doing the "discipline of celebration."  wow, did that backfire.  so, maybe after i'm done writing this blog i'll think about getting on to the new discipline.  i know.  i know.  i didn't write in here every day last week like i had intended.  i had intended on sharing how "the discipline of celebration" was going daily... giving you my focus verses, etc.  well, seeing as i didn't you would think just that.  that it didn't really.  but let me tell you it didn't stop.  i was focused on it.  but, i think it bit me in the butt.  you see, life is just not easy all of the time.  i'm sure you needed me to point that out.  the thing is, for me, life really usually is pretty easy.  all of the time.  but, i began this discipline and it's like right and left things were popping up that were making me really sad inside.  or sometimes just frustrated.  or hurt.  or angry.  i think that i really gave satan an opportunity to shine last week.  and, i'm here today to say, "Satan, stop it.  In the name of Jesus, stop it!  You've got no right to be in MY HOUSE... my life.  So, get out."

okay, now that I've got that out of the way...

i began blogging today because i'm lonely.  i am.  i said it.  i don't feel "connected".  i want to be connected, but i'm just not feeling it.  this is in no way intended to bash the people that are in my life daily, it's just that i feel alone... it doesn't matter who is around.  it doesn't matter what i'm doing.  you see... i've always kind of lived by this philosophy...  (without really thinking about it)  i saw someone else write it and was like, "right on!"  it was, "it doesn't really matter to me who i am.  i just want to be a part of something awesome."  that's my paraphrase at least.

so, today... that's where i'm at.  i'm going to seek something out that i can be a part of.  facebook isn't really being a part of something.  well it is, but it's not what i'm looking for.  i feel like i've lost that a little bit.  i've lost being a part of something.

what defines me?  i love Jesus... a lot.  as a matter of fact, he's my best friend.  but, what am i doing with that?  i'm working on stuff to create a youth center, but it's overwhelming.  i don't feel like i'm making any progress, and honestly, i've pretty much become complacent on all that.  i'm a wife, and a stay at home mom.  i'm trying to speak into my families life.  i'm trying to help my son grow into the young man that God intends for him to be.  and the thing is... that all sounds great.  well, most of it.  the family part at least.  and a way i've always kind of lived is, "when you're sad or upset, do something nice for someone else.  that will then make you happy."  however, this is NOT working for me.  so, enough of that.  i'm moving on.

so, here it is.  my life statement... for now at least,
"it doesn't really matter who i am.  i just want to be a part of something awesome."

there ya have it folks.  that's me right now.  maybe i'll figure out my discipline for the next week to get closer to Jesus, or maybe i won't.  maybe i'll just be close to him in the everyday stuff again.  it seemed that my have been working for me better anyway.

1 comment:

  1. Yo. I hear you. It's amazing to me sometimes how alone I can feel when I am so frequently surrounded by people.

    Somnabulent. Jim just said that while I was half listening. But I digress.

    In the midst of everything, I realize I am part of something awesome at any given moment. Yesterday I went from having a student direct the F-bomb at me about eight times in a row as I walked him to the office to talking to a student about an issue that caused me to laugh so hard I cried. That was awesome. Listening to Jim and his expansive vocabulary in the day to day course of conversation---that's awesome. Having to wait to take down a Christmas garland on the front porch post until June or July because a bird has made a nest in it---that's awesome. Having a little boy come to church on Easter morning dressed in his Woody cowboy hat and boots---that's so totally awesome.

    The sun is shining this morning. That is awesome.

    Watching a new friend with a servant's heart wrestle with the tugging of her heart---that's awesome.