just some thoughts

i've been struggling with, well, just with being i guess. i'm all about making other people happy. but, in the mean time i've forgotten about myself. well, i don't want to stop being there for other people. i don't want to stop making other people happy, because in all reality, that's part of what makes me happy... making others happy. but, what i do need to do is remember myself. remember that it's not really all about others. what makes me happy? outside of others, what makes me happy?

*games
*hearing from Jesus :)
*music
*the internet (i know... it's shallow, but true)
*fun movies
*food :)

man, it's so hard to make a list without including things with people. in all reality i can't really get a lot of enjoyment without other people. sorry, but that's just me. sure, i've heard, "well i can't make you happy" yada, yada... it's true... a person in themselves can't make someone happy, but i think it's okay to be happier because we get to share life with people. hmmm... i think that was a tangent. :)

on to what i was really thinking about.... Jesus... yeah, he's cool

the first thing that Jesus reminded me of today was in 1 john...."let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." that is what i really needed to hear today because i've been really trying to love my husband by "being there for him." (my words, not his) and, i've been trying to say the right thing because i figured if i can just say certain things he'll feel loved... and it was killing me... it was killing me because i wasn't able to say the right thing. finally, i went in the other room and spent some time with Jesus.... and he said to me... check this out.... and then there was that verse. how freaking awesome is that? pretty awesome.

and also, i am reading in proverbs.... and proverbs 2 says this:

my son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding

and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding

and if you look for it as silver
and search for it as hidden treasure

then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.

wow... if that's not something to chew on and think about i don't know what is.

ah, back to the origination of this post... it really makes me smile when i make people smile. wow, this has been kind of all over the place, huh?

life and identity

so, i've been in this spot lately where i've been realizing where my identity is, and thinking about what i want it to be, etc. etc. and, i've realized... i've come to terms with.... the fact that i'm not like beth moore, and some of those other really good writers, but here i am anyway :)

i have really been relying on God. a lot. and, He has been teaching me. and, i've been seeing things in a different light. well, kind of. you see, i've always loved God and sought his will for my life. i've known of all the things that i "should" do-spiritually. all of the things that i "should" do to keep my relationship with God in the forefront. and the other night my husband (who is so awesome) was telling a friend that when it comes to her relationship with God she needs to take all of the "should" out and just be with him. Get to know him and who He wants you to be. I've known this forever, but think i got stuck in a rut again.... of "shoulding". And, where do you go from there?

well, i went here...

colossians 4:2 says, "devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." and i went to proverbs... because the vineyard church is doing that, and i like doing that kind of stuff with people. and, i've been going to friends.... cause they are awesome. yep.

and, i've been thinking a lot about my identity lately. i want to be exactly who God wants me to be. i want to be a good wife, a good mom, and a good friend. but, i also just want to be. i think more importantly than being a good wife, mom and friend God wants me to just be. be happy in him. be grateful. be open to listening. and just be. so, that's where i'm at.

stealing again

sometimes i've just got to share...

Lesson with a Hairbrush
by Beth Moore

Knoxville airport all waiting to board planes:


I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say that because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise. Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego...

I tried to keep from staring but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy grey hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long. Clean, but strangely out of place on an old man.

I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes sighting. Then, I remembered reading somewhere that he was dead. So this man in the airport...an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere?....

There I sat trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.

I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind. "Oh no, God please no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!"

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane." Then I heard it..."I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair."

The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm your girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am on him. I am going to witness to this man."

Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair."

I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I suppose to brush his hair without a hairbrush?"

God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly finish you unto all good works." (2 Tim 3:7) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself. Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies.

I knelt down in front of the man, and asked as demurely as possible, "Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?"

He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?"

"May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?"

To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that.

At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?" At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat.

I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to." Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush."

"I have one in my bag," he responded.

I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair.

It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but I must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls. Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair.... Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair. I know this sounds so strange but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I—for that few minutes—felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's.

His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knees, and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?"

He said, "Yes, I do." Well, that figures.

He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself what a mess I must be for my
bride."

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it.

Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft.

I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?"

I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share.

I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!

I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way...all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We
have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the
Father, full of grace and truth."

Excerpt taken from "Further Still", by Beth Moore, B & H Publishing Group, Nashville TN. Copyright © 2004 Beth Moore.

desires

do you ever have these desires that you feel like are from God, but they just aren't being fulfilled? i do.

the den

so, i started a blog for the den youth center. check it out.

feeling sorry for yourself?

i get frustrated sometimes. today i felt like God led me to 1 peter. and, the following is the first thing i read...

Cultivate Inner Beauty

^1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

actually i read it in the niv first so it says, "wives, be submissive to your husbands." which was funny to me.... i was like, "man, why would God lead me to that scripture right now?" ugh. anyway, i like my husband :) read on...

^4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

⁷The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God's grace, you're equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don't run aground.

Suffering for Doing Good

^8-12Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.

Whoever wants to embrace life
and see the day fill up with good,
Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back
on those who do evil things.

^13-18If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God.

that is some good stuff :) i love Jesus :)

today

typically i do not sleep past 7:30. this is in large due to the fact that mazerick wakes up pretty early. but today, i rolled over to see the clock say 8:21. oh my. maz has to be at school at 9. okay, well we've still got time to get up and get ready and get him there on time. so, i get up and get dressed. i go down the hall to get maz up. i go in his room and say, maz... time to get up. and he says, "mom, you've got to be kidding me." no joke. even in his sleep he's funny. i was like, yeah maz. you've got to get up to go to school. and he says, "but i'm still sleeping." i say, "okay, well... you need to start waking up. i'm going downstairs, but i'm leaving your door open so you can start to wake up and get up on your own." and i went downstairs... not a minute later i hear "click" he closes his door. what a kid :) he got up about 5 minutes later, but man... that kid cracks me up :)

God is good :)